Tuesday, as I was looking at FB, I got an overwhelming sense of melancholy, then extreme (and I mean EXTREME) depression, then hatred for everybody on FB.  I thought to myself that no one gave a damn what I had to say, no one loved me (family-wise), my friends just wanted to use me for their own benefit, and on and on.  So, I cried and cried, deleted my FB account, and thought, good, now I can move on AND I was seriously thinking about making a doctor's appointment to get on some sort of anti-depressant - the depression was all-encompassing, and I was so very, very sad.

When Jeff came home, I told him what I had done, and I said "Let the past remain in the past, it's time for me to move forward.  It's not healthy for me to feel this way, and I can't afford to not be healthy!"

As a back story to all of this, I've had 4 dreams, starting about 3 or 4 months ago, of my stepfather dying.  All 4 of us children have not spoken to him in many, many years, and it's been at least 30 years since I've had any meaningful contact with him (I saw him at my mother's funeral in 1988, but we barely spoke).  When I was growing up, he was a wealthy, privileged man who abused all of us horribly, and my younger sister, who is his only "real" child, was beaten so severely as a child that she had to have kidney surgery when she was in elementary school.  She quit speaking to him about 7 years ago when he started favoring one of her boys (she has two - both are adults and one now has a child) over the other and was dismissive toward the less favored one.

So, Tuesday morning I clearly saw Jamison (the stepfather) take a pistol and shoot himself under the chin.  Since this was my 4th dream of him, I really didn't think anything more of it until yesterday when my older sister called, telling me Jamison was dead and had committed suicide by shooting himself (although not in the chin).  Apparently, he had been suffering some strokes for the last couple of months, and decided to end it all.

The bizarre part comes in because apparently I not only witnessed him doing it (the other 3 dreams were of his death, not the way in which he died), but all of his rage, melancholy, hatred was transferred to me on Tuesday, or rather, it was played out for me, only I didn't realize why I felt the way I did when it was all happening.  Now everything makes sense, and thank god I'm no longer feeling that way (and no doctor's visit for anti-depressives, lol).

So I'm off of FB for good - if I can feel all those emotions from a man I loathed
and NEVER thought of, think of what I feel on a daily basis from friends' posts.  I
try and try to block out all those emotions, but I'm not having any success, and
I'm never certain from whom it's coming.  When I deal with clients one-on-one, I
know exactly why I'm having those emotions, and giving facials is always a
healing time, for me and the client.

And here's one more bizarre twist to this whole thing:  Jamison's obituary has not been posted yet, nor has there been a news story about a suicide or shooting or anything.  I guess his body must be at the coroner's office, either awaiting an autopsy or something, and maybe that's why nothing's been published.  But as to no news stories whatsoever, that just shows me what the rich and powerful can get squashed when they want to (he has a wife, who's a piece of work in her own right).  I've even gone to the different funeral homes' websites in Montgomery (Alabama, where he lived), and nada. My older sister thinks I'm nuts for wanting to even see his obituary, but I'm curious to see who's listed as a survivor - probably just his wife.

Let the past remain in the past, indeed.
UPDATE:  Friday, March 26:  The obituary has posted, and none of us four children are listed as Jamison's survivors (no surprise there), although my sister's son, Jamie, is listed (but not Jason).  It also says he died on Wednesday, which is incorrect, but I'm sure that's because his wife didn't want anyone to know the real date and wonder why it wasn't posted before now. Also, my sister and her other son (Jason) were told they were not welcome at the funeral and to stay away.  Wow.  Just keep heaping the misery on the already miserable, and see what karma has in store for you.
UPDATE:  Saturday, March 27:  Today's obituary posting lists my sister and Jason.
UPDATE:  Monday, March 29:  I've just been told that Jamison did indeed die on Wednesday, NOT on Tuesday, and Jeff finally convinced me to get back on Facebook, although I'll do it in a lessened capacity (read postings, walk away, clear my mind).

Last night right before I went to bed I looked at our bank account online and realized someone had made fraudulent charges on our account.  I knew I had to go the bank this morning to get it straightened out and worried about it all night.  This morning I woke up, took The Girls out, and saw a fish (plastic, I think, lol) in the tree in the backyard.  Huh?  A fish? I immediately thought, oh, okay, everything's gonna be just fine - we'll always have food to eat.  Sure enough, I went to the bank, all the charges were credited back to our account, a new card's been issued, and the sorry s-o-b who hacked into our account is now being hunted down.  When I got back home, The Girls and I went outside again, and poof! no fish.  Anywhere.  I looked all over the yard, the trees, the bushes, and no fish.  Sometimes whenever in doubt, keep your eyes open for a sign and you just might be surprised with what you find - Life Is Good!

I had my first dream of dying by fire.  I was in a sports car which kept going faster and faster, and I lost control.  I thought to myself Just shift into neutral, then steer the car off the road.  I looked down at the shifter controls, and all I saw were numbers: 55111, 55112, 55113, etc. scrolling rapidly through a view-window.  I steered the car off road, sped through a meadow/woods area, then emerged to a sudden drop off to a road below.  As the car was flying through the air, I kept thinking Maybe I can survive this, but mid-air I saw that a tanker truck was passing on the road below, and I was headed straight for it.  The car slammed into the truck, and I still thought Maybe I'll survive this somehow anyway, but then I felt the heat of the explosion engulf my body, and my last thought was Oh, crap.  I didn't suffer - except for the initial heat, death was instantaneous.  I hope if anyone reads this, and their loved one has died from a fiery auto accident, they'll be comforted to know that he/she did not suffer.

Jeff and I were just outside in the backyard with The Girls when a hawk flew straight at us (Jeff and I, NOT The Girls), screeching the entire time he was flying and staring directly at us.  The hawk represents power, magic and messenger. According to Lin's Domain: "A Red-Tailed Hawk Totem is special. It has direct ties to the Kundalini, the seat of primal life force.It is associated with the base chakra. If you have this Totem, you will be aware of and work towards fulfilling your soul's purpose. It reflects a greater intensity of energy within your life: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual forces will all be strong within you. It is associated with the number "14" with the Tarot card Temperance. This card represents the teaching of higher expressions of psychic ability and vision."  Since I read Tarot from the Druid deck, this card is extremely auspicious and indicates that we're entering a phase of successful creative endeavor.  Sweet!

I was telling a client who has been dreaming about her recently departed grandmother to look for a sign or signs from her grandmother. A sign can be anything that instantly makes you think of the person who has passed on.  I glanced out my window as I was writing my client and saw a sign from my mother, my cat Buddy, my grandmother and my dog Lucy - all represented by the melting snow on my neighbor's roof (none of the other roofs within my line of sight had snow melt!).  The first was of a wheelchair (see 10-18-08 posting - in the dream with my mother she was showing me me in a wheelchair), and it looks as if I'm reaching for a cat (Buddy).  The second looked exactly like a picture I have circa 1920s of my grandmother wearing a hat almost obscuring her eyes, and the third looks like my labrador Lucy (these are in the same picture).  Here are the pics:

I have many precognitive visions in which I'm the victim, so most nights I'm being "murdered" or die in some other way while I should be having lovely dreams of ... I don't know, it's been so long since I've had a lovely peaceful dream, lol. And yes, I'll read or hear on the news about the murder a few days after I've "witnessed" it. While I'm working actively to garner some bit of useful information that I can give to police so that these murders don't happen, I still rarely remember names, license plate numbers, etc. after I awaken. BUT every now and then, I get a name or phone number and google it to see what I can find out.

This morning I had a vision of being in a medical clinic that was decorated very peacefully with soothing classical music playing on the speakers. I was introduced to and shook hands with a medical professional in a lab coat by the name of Susan Sagel. I looked directly at her name tag so that I could remember the spelling of her name (I make myself do that in my dreams, although most times I forget what it was I was supposed to remember). She told me I was very sick but that I had come to the right place because they specialized in my disease, and that their clinic was filled with hope and love. Now, I knew it wasn't really ME, just as I know I'm not really the murder victim in those types of dreams. So, I woke myself up, wrote her name down, then googled her. She's a registered nurse at a lymphoma center, Cancer & Blood Institute of the Desert, Rancho Mirage, CA (http://www.lymphomation.org/cancer-centers-c.htm).  If anyone reading this has symptoms of lymphoma (leukemia) such as unexplained weight loss, easy bruising, torrential night sweats, please see your doctor!

I had another vision: I heard the words: Show The World, and on a stage in a theater was a man dancing, complete with top hat and spats, as in an opening number for a musical.  Then the scene panned to the Los Angeles area.  Will Los Angeles suffer some sort of disaster or is this just literally "the opening act" to what follows?

During meditation today I asked my Navajo guide to show me specifically what I was supposed to reveal.  I first saw, as in a movie, a burning forest - trees and buildings on fire.  Then the scene panned up, and I saw an eye, shaped like a living Eye of Horus, blinking not tears but lightening bolts which fell to the earth and caused the massive fires.  I don't think this literally means the Navajo Nation will burn, but rather that the world is heading into some sort of maelstrom.
UPDATE:  I just heard on the late news that North Korea had launched a missile.  I don't know if this pertains to the vision but I have a feeling it's related.  I also saw the fires raging in Texas and Oklahoma.  This is the problem with visions: you're not told exactly what they mean :)

Tonight we watched the movie Marley & Me.  I've often said that Sadie is Lucy reincarnated, and during the most emotional scene in the movie both Jeff and I were thinking of Lu, and Sadie let out a low groan.  I think that Lu was coming through Sadie, letting us know that she's still a part of our lives :).

Several things have happened recently, so here goes...!

Last week Jeff and I went to our favorite metaphysical store, Morgana's Elementals in Winchester, VA.  We were greeted enthusiastically by the owner and by a wonderful guy who is a healer/shaman and works there part-time.  Both told us that we chose an auspicious time to visit as they were starting a class on spell-work that we would definitely be interested in attending.  We went to the class the next evening, and it was centered on the book Hedge Witch, which is about using herbs, candles, magickal keys and icons, and spells in which to communicate with Spirit or the Universe or as I call my guardians, The Guys. Anyway, the author of the book basically says to "demand" what you want when talking to your Guys, instead of simply "asking."  In other words, don't say I need such-and-such but say I want whatever.

Jeff lost his job in February and has been interviewing and networking for the last 5 weeks looking for another, better position.  The class we attended was held last Wednesday, March 25, and I started reading Hedge Witch on Thursday, the 26th.  Later that evening, before I went to sleep, I first smiled (because happiness attracts happiness), than said 3 times (3 is my magick number), "I am always blessed."  I then said, "I want Jeff to have a good job, one that can pay our mortgage payments and our bills and will afford us to live comfortably and take a nice vacation, or better" (I didn't want to just leave it at that simple request, teehee).  I ended my demand with, "It always works, it always works, it always works."  I made my demand several times a day, and on Monday, Jeff got a call from AOL (he left AOL last October for the job that laid him off!) asking him to do some contract work for the management of their emergency/safety team.  An hour after he hung up with them, a Fortune 500 company called, offering him a permanent facilities manager position which will start on April 13.
He'll do the AOL work for the next 2 weeks and follow-up with them in the evenings and on the weekends when he begins at his new job on the 13th.  Not only is his new position a definite advancement in his career, but now both jobs will allow us to catch up on our mortgages (we're a month behind), and yes, have a little left over for a vacation later in the year!

It always works, it always works, it always works :)!

As to ghostly visitors, last night the Girls and I were in the back room watching t.v., and Jeff was in the front room.  Sadie, Gertie and I heard who we thought was Jeff talking to someone.  The Girls (except for Maggie, who was sleeping) perked their ears up and whined.  We (me!) couldn't understand what was being said - it was muffled - but it was late at night, and I wondered who he was speaking with.  It turns out that he was asleep on the couch in the front room and wasn't speaking at all; no wonder the Girls were whining :).

As to dreams, in the last three years I've had several dreams in the German language (no, I've never spoken German), in the Navajo language (nope - don't know no Navajo!) and in Chinese (again, no!).  Each dream was significant for what was happening world-wide and personally:  the German dreams were about fascism and the Holocaust, the Navajo dreams were about "removing the snake" (George Bush?) and the Navajo Mountain, and the Chinese dreams were about using herbs for medicinal purposes.  Although I told the Chinese Herbalist in my dreams that I couldn't even begin to fathom what he was talking about, I woke myself up from the Navajo dreams in order to write down phonetically what was being said and then looked up the words on the Navajo Code-Talkers website.  Interestingly enough, I understood the German (!) without interpretation.  As a matter of fact, after my final dream in German, I started thinking in German: one day Jeff asked me to get some beer for him at the grocery store and told me what brand.  I couldn't understand what he was saying (he used to drink Killian's or other Irish/English beer), and he repeated it, which I heard him clearly say "Warsteiner", or in German, "Varshtiner".  When he got home, he looked in the fridge and said, "Why did you buy Warsteiner?  I asked for Smithwick!"  Yikes!  Anyway, last week I had my first Navajo dream in several years, and I was shown the Navajo Mountain, more particularly a wooded glen surrounded by rock, and was told "Bah-who-neh" or "Ba-hal-neh" both which mean "reveal" or "tell about."  I'm still researching what the significance is of this glen and am trying to find a picture to post.  I'll update if I can figure it out...!

Last Saturday Jeff and I attended the memorial service of a former co-worker named Pete who Jeff greatly admired.  Pete's life was full of joy and exploration; he was a computer tech and played drums with a passion.  Pete's adult children spoke at the service, and it was evident that Pete will be sorely missed.  I saw Pete's spirit appear when his son played the guitar as a tribute to Pete's musical passion, and his face was positively beaming!  The memorial service was held in a small town called Locust Grove, which is about an hour or so away from us.  On Sunday, our cell phone rang, and by the time I got to the phone, the caller had hung up.  I looked up the number under Reverse Lookup (switchboard.com), and it was the funeral parlor in Locust Grove.  Our cell phone number is not only unpublished but it's in my name, and very few people have the number.  I asked Jeff to call the funeral home and ask if someone from there had called; the person who answered said there was no one there except for her and that she didn't know why we would have been contacted by the facility in any event.  When Jeff hung up, I told him it must have been Pete, and I was really sorry that I hadn't been able to answer the phone when he called :).  The touching part of this incident is that Jeff's going through a rough patch right now, and he commented at the memorial service that he would have liked to have to have gotten Pete's advice about what he (Jeff) had been experiencing.