GERTIE SEES GHOSTS BLOG

Tuesday, as I was looking at FB, I got an overwhelming sense of melancholy, then extreme (and I mean EXTREME) depression, then hatred for everybody on FB.  I thought to myself that no one gave a damn what I had to say, no one loved me (family-wise), my friends just wanted to use me for their own benefit, and on and on.  So, I cried and cried, deleted my FB account, and thought, good, now I can move on AND I was seriously thinking about making a doctor's appointment to get on some sort of anti-depressant - the depression was all-encompassing, and I was so very, very sad.

When Jeff came home, I told him what I had done, and I said "Let the past remain in the past, it's time for me to move forward.  It's not healthy for me to feel this way, and I can't afford to not be healthy!"

As a back story to all of this, I've had 4 dreams, starting about 3 or 4 months ago, of my stepfather dying.  All 4 of us children have not spoken to him in many, many years, and it's been at least 30 years since I've had any meaningful contact with him (I saw him at my mother's funeral in 1988, but we barely spoke).  When I was growing up, he was a wealthy, privileged man who abused all of us horribly, and my younger sister, who is his only "real" child, was beaten so severely as a child that she had to have kidney surgery when she was in elementary school.  She quit speaking to him about 7 years ago when he started favoring one of her boys (she has two - both are adults and one now has a child) over the other and was dismissive toward the less favored one.

So, Tuesday morning I clearly saw Jamison (the stepfather) take a pistol and shoot himself under the chin.  Since this was my 4th dream of him, I really didn't think anything more of it until yesterday when my older sister called, telling me Jamison was dead and had committed suicide by shooting himself (although not in the chin).  Apparently, he had been suffering some strokes for the last couple of months, and decided to end it all.

The bizarre part comes in because apparently I not only witnessed him doing it (the other 3 dreams were of his death, not the way in which he died), but all of his rage, melancholy, hatred was transferred to me on Tuesday, or rather, it was played out for me, only I didn't realize why I felt the way I did when it was all happening.  Now everything makes sense, and thank god I'm no longer feeling that way (and no doctor's visit for anti-depressives, lol).

So I'm off of FB for good - if I can feel all those emotions from a man I loathed
and NEVER thought of, think of what I feel on a daily basis from friends' posts.  I
try and try to block out all those emotions, but I'm not having any success, and
I'm never certain from whom it's coming.  When I deal with clients one-on-one, I
know exactly why I'm having those emotions, and giving facials is always a
healing time, for me and the client.

And here's one more bizarre twist to this whole thing:  Jamison's obituary has not been posted yet, nor has there been a news story about a suicide or shooting or anything.  I guess his body must be at the coroner's office, either awaiting an autopsy or something, and maybe that's why nothing's been published.  But as to no news stories whatsoever, that just shows me what the rich and powerful can get squashed when they want to (he has a wife, who's a piece of work in her own right).  I've even gone to the different funeral homes' websites in Montgomery (Alabama, where he lived), and nada. My older sister thinks I'm nuts for wanting to even see his obituary, but I'm curious to see who's listed as a survivor - probably just his wife.

Let the past remain in the past, indeed.
UPDATE:  Friday, March 26:  The obituary has posted, and none of us four children are listed as Jamison's survivors (no surprise there), although my sister's son, Jamie, is listed (but not Jason).  It also says he died on Wednesday, which is incorrect, but I'm sure that's because his wife didn't want anyone to know the real date and wonder why it wasn't posted before now. Also, my sister and her other son (Jason) were told they were not welcome at the funeral and to stay away.  Wow.  Just keep heaping the misery on the already miserable, and see what karma has in store for you.
UPDATE:  Saturday, March 27:  Today's obituary posting lists my sister and Jason.
UPDATE:  Monday, March 29:  I've just been told that Jamison did indeed die on Wednesday, NOT on Tuesday, and Jeff finally convinced me to get back on Facebook, although I'll do it in a lessened capacity (read postings, walk away, clear my mind).