Autism and the Paranormal

I took the Autism Quotient test yesterday (http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html) and scored a whopping 37 points.  While disheartening, I always suspected I had some degree of autism.  My mother used to tell me that when I was a toddler, I constantly beat my head against the wall and rocked myself to sleep - both of which can be early signs of autism.  I was obviously different temperamentally than my siblings; my mind was focused inward, often to the exclusion of my family.  Long road trips were nirvana for me because my parents thought I was the perfect child (I didn't get cranky and didn't need to be entertained - my mind entertained me) and were too busy dealing with my siblings to pay attention to me.  Heaven!  Years later when I was in my mid-20's, I took a pottery class when I lived in Birmingham.  My instructor was a doctor's wife who had a three year old daughter who had almost been scalded alive in the bathtub by a baby sitter and who subsequently exhibited all the signs of autism.  This was in 1978 when little was understood about the disorder and wasn't even generally discussed, and even though the instructor was married to a physician, they were at a loss as to how to treat their daughter.  After class one day I told my instructor that I, too, acted similarly as a child but that obviously I had grown "out" of it or at least was able to function "normally."  We spoke at great length about her daughter's behavior and about my behavior during childhood; I don't remember the details except that by the time we finished, she was so relieved that she cried, hugged me, and told me that I had been the first person to give her hope as to her daughter's future.

So what does all this have to do with the paranormal?  I'm already branded a freak by many because of my ability to connect to the other dimensions; do I really want to add another label, especially an additional one of such mystery that most people can't even begin to understand what goes on in a mind that shuts off the rest of the world?

I think the whole point of this blog is to get people thinking about what it means to be different.  Different doesn't mean ignorance or unawareness of how others may perceive the world; different in my case means that I don't understand how "normal" people can think the way that they do :D.  Why are they so slow in seeing the connections?  Why can't they do hours of research that I find fascinating and they find pure drudgery to seek out some semblance of truth?  Why can't they see spirits among each other?  Why is it so hard for them to listen to their intuition?  And why is it so easy for most people to reject outright what I so clearly see both in my mind and physically?

Psychic ability goes way back in my family; in the first remembered incident my greatgrandfather and his brother, both Irish immigrants, were working together one day when they both turned to each other and said, "Our mother is dead."  Their mother was in Ireland; they were in the U.S., and they were correct.  Subsequent generations either ignored their gift or were too embarrassed to admit it; alcoholism is alive and well in the Murphy genes, and sometimes I wonder if maybe they all drank to avoid "seeing."  Then I came along and loudly shouted that I was psychic (I'm sure there were quite a few giggles of disbelief, but it certainly didn't stop me from talking about it - is that a symptom of autism or sheer stubborness?).  It turns out that slowly several of my relatives have contacted me saying that they, too, have a gift.  And I noticed an interesting commonality between us: we're mostly shy, mostly bookworms, and mostly introverted.  I'm clueless as to how they would score on the AQ test, but I feel that they might have a higher than normal test score.

So this begs the question: are we (my relatives and I) more aware of the other dimensions because we're to some degree autistic or did being born with the gift of sensitivity cause us to be autistic?

I was born in 1954 way before vaccines were the norm, and my mother made sure we ate lots of fruits and veggies as opposed to high-carb low nutritional value food (we didn't even have bread at dinner - too "fattening" was my mother's moto), so it wasn't diet or vaccinations.  All I know is that I've always felt acutely uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations, around other people who I don't know, and shy to the point of debilitation.  There was a running joke among my mother, older sister and me about our "phone phobia" in that we all three were/are seized with paralysis when forced to speak on the phone.  The shyness factor I've overcome by forcing myself to make the first introduction and paste a smile on my face, thus allowing others to not feel threatened when they're around me.  I couldn't stand to be touched/hugged/kissed on the cheek until I again forced myself to make hugging a big priority, and now it's not uncommon for me to hug strangers in the grocery store hahaha.  But the issue goes way beyond shyness or awkwardness; it's the fact that I pick up on subtle factors that others may miss.  If you're angry, I'm angry, if you're sad, I'm sad.  I can pick that up in a heartbeat, and large crowds overwhelm me to the point of extreme exhaustion.  In my work as an esthetician/healer I can only work part-time or every other day because of the absorption of others' misery or elation.  This is not uncommon in some psychics (empaths), and it's certainly not uncommon among autistic people. But whereas the empaths might do mental exercises to form a protection barrier around them so that they can "ignore" all those emotions floating around, it's almost impossible for me to do that.  Mind over matter just sometimes can't be overcome when you're too sensitive.

I am friends on Facebook with quite a few psychics who are on the radio, do television appearances, are well known and constantly promote/market their talents.  My website just sits, waiting for someone to stumble across it so that I can hopefully do a reading for them.  Meanwhile my husband's exacerbated waiting for me to start bringing in a decent income and is full of suggestions as to how to start selling my herbal remedies, lotions, quilts and psychic gift (he often asks me, "you didn't give away another recipe, did you???  You need to start copyrighting or patenting these things, including your quilt designs!").  The thought of self-promotion horrifies me!  Those who know me are well aware that self-doubt is not in my vocabulary, but having to face multiple clients at one time is a thought I can't even imagine.  Do I believe that everyone should hire me as their psychic counselor or herbal guru?  Absolutely! After all, I'm fabulous!  But just the thought of having to promote myself is debilitating, and not in the way that most people think: it's not the fact that I can't do it (as in people who whine about not being able to move on or can't imagine the future - my advice to them is the same as I've done with myself: just do it and enjoy/learn from the journey!), it's the fact that if I self-promoted I'd have people looking at me (don't touch me! don't look at me! :D).  Is this because I'm in some way autistic or is it because I'm psychic and instantly start downloading another's life story, including deceased loved ones?

And speaking of Facebook, I've also noticed that some people who aren't professional psychics but who are sensitive in some way like to do what I consider "out psychic the psychic."  If I write about something paranormal or a feeling I've gotten or even a sychronicity, or if someone asks me a question about my thoughts on something out of the ordinary that occurred, the comments from those people will be either derision or the fact that they knew "that" ages ago or someone in their family felt "that" worse than I did.  And often their answers to someone's question will be way off, in my opinion - my trying to get a word in edge wise about why the answer may be erroneous is overridden by their insistence that there's only one viewpoint (theirs and not mine, because what do I know - how could I possibly know the real answer when they, who've been reading alt sites and believe those answers to be the one and only truth, are regurgitating those same lies as fact, know all the answers, and my gift is small in comparison according to them).  I just sigh and move on - too much over stimulation and bombardment.   I love feedback as in "I thought/felt/saw that too" or "I don't see it that way at all" (confirmation is always a wonderful thing, as is healthy opposition!) but guys!  This isn't a contest! We are all one - get it?  We are all connected to each other and to the universe at large so it stands to reason that we all should be able to see and feel what each other is seeing and feeling.  Well, we don't all connect, unfortunately, and is my ability to look inward a curse or a gift?  While some people would consider my stubbornness for getting some semblance of truth out there cockiness or elitism (thus trying to "out psychic the psychic"), I see it as a genuine compulsion for trying to get everyone to understand even briefly what I see in that otherworld/inner world; while some think my comments mean I think my opinion is the only one that matters, it's not so much that I think that way as it is that I've spent years and years looking inward/researching/using my universal connections to reach that opinion - and if you can't understand the difference in the two concepts, I really can't help you.  One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "Broadcast News" because it resonates deeply within me:  When told "It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room", Holly Hunter's character whispers, "No, it's awful." And that's exactly how I so often feel.

My request to anyone reading this blog is to start thinking about "different" and how "different" is not a choice in any culture or any walk of life.  It. Just. Is.